What I Meant Was
by RhiannonNymph
Summary: Missing Scene from 'The Message', what if Simon hadn't walked away from Kaylee while she was in engine room listening to the message...[One Shot]


**DISCLAIMER:** I own nothing and am making no money what-so-ever.

Because it never sat right with me that he walked away.

"Doc could be called a lot of things, but coward ain't one of 'em." – Mal, Safe.

I like that story and I'm stickin' to it.

Enjoy.

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Simon finished folding the white towel he held, and placed it in a draw full of like-colored towels. He sighed as he closed the drawer and moved over to the cabinet that housed the drugs – many of which had been successfully boosted via his planning.

He wasn't sure why he was aimlessly wondering around the infirmary, it was spotless, he always kept it tidy. Just like he kept himself tidy, it was after all, all he had to show himself as more than just a fugitive from the Alliance. That and River. Usually though, it came down to his tidiness, politeness, and properness. Oh, and he always had that social stupidity about him. Sure he had smarts, top three percent and all, but that's not what he needed to talk to people.

Knife wounds, bullet holes, burns and explosions he could handle – anything and everything medical was like nothing to him, it was something he did and that was that. But a person…people was something different. More complex than any procedure he may have to do. It didn't matter what was going on, causal conversations, confrontations, he always managed to trip over his words and come off like hwoon dahn. Especially with Kaylee.

All those things he'd said to her.

"_We'll you're kind of a genius when it comes to machines. You always say what you mean, and you're eyes are…and um, I don't know how to um…oh, plus, every other girl I know is either married, professional, or closely related to me so, you're more less, ya know, literally the only girl in the world." He grinned at her._

_She just looked at him, and that cheerful glint faded from her eyes and he knew he'd messed up. "Hmm…that's a hell of a thing to say."_

"_I was joking."_

She thought he liked her because she was the only one there, she thought he' had girls throwing themselves at him…and, well, actually that part was true, but he wasn't good at talking to them either! And not a one of them was anywhere near as interesting and good natured as she was.

He shook his head; he'd started out strong enough, for sure. But damned if he didn't do exactly what she'd told him he did every time something good was going on, he froze. He'd gotten to her eyes and it kicked in, that same old feeling of a big wooly blanket smothering his mind. Trying to cover up his stupidity with a joke, a bad joke wasn't the brightest of ideas.

That wasn't how he felt, and she had to know that.

No, no she didn't _have_ to know anything. He's never actually told her, at least without insulting her somehow, and if he could tell her, how could he even think of trying to _show_ her? If he'd tried to kiss her…another thing he loved her for, she was so bold, where he mite weak.

But what if did try and he did do something so terribly wrong that she cried? If Mal were to find out?

Simon closed his eyes and rested his head on the open med cabinet. Captain Reynolds already disliked the boy something fierce, Kaylee was the only thing keeping him and River on this boat…that and maybe the constant wounding of the crew. But if it came to the time Kaylee didn't want him around anymore, well, something told Simon he'd be off Serenity soon as she landed on the nearest inhabited rock. They'd find another doctor eventually, though not near as well trained.

River was right, he was a boob.

"Is something wrong with the medicines?" Simon spun around to the voice of Inara. He smiled at her, nervously scratched behind his ear before putting his hands on his hip, he had no idea how long she'd been there.

"I, uh, was just, um, I was getting River's medication ready…" he turned back around and closed the cabinet, to late he saw he'd taken nothing out, and full well he knew that Inara could see that. "Is there something you need?"

She smiled back at him, "I'm fine. Are you?" he opened his mouth to answer, but said nothing. This would be about the time for him to make a fool of himself. He stood, his head tilted to one side, scratching his arm while his eyes searched the room for an answer. "I've spoken with Kaylee."

"Ah." was all he could manage as he sank back onto the counter. "I, uh…I think…I really blew it this time."

"You should give Kaylee more credit doctor. She's upset, but she won't stay that way for long, it's not her way."

"I think I've said enough stupid things to keep her angry for much longer than usual. You weren't there, you didn't see…the way she looked, she was, and then after, before we came back to the ship…" he straightened up and crossed his arms. "No, I'm fairly certain she's going to be good and angry for awhile."

"What were you _going _to say?"

She didn't really just ask him that, did she? If he couldn't even tell it to the person it was about, how was he supposed to say it to her?

"I-I…I was thinking of her eyes."

Inara stood herself, and moved over to the door, her shuttle called to her and she wasn't going to get Simon to open up to her, not about himself and his feelings for the ship's mechanic. But she smiled and bowed her head slightly as a way of parting, and then said to him, "My advice to you would be simply to tell her. Don't get so worked up about it, she knows you mean well." And she left the room.

He let out a deep sigh, how he managed to always put his foot in his mouth was astounding, and he was sure humorous to some on this boat. He pushed off the counter and left the room. He walked right up the steps toward the engine room with every intention telling Kaylee what had really been on his mind.

He rounded the corner and heard something he wasn't expecting. The voice of Mal and Zoë's army buddy, Tracey.

"…and you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans." He was at the doorway now. He could see her soft brown hair over the colorful hammock she rested in. She was holding the recording device they'd taken from Tracey's hand.

Maybe he shouldn't have come. She was clearly upset, though why so much, he wasn't sure. She hadn't known the man but, Simon supposed, she had that way about her. She respected life, and it didn't matter if she knew you or even liked you, she saw something lost in another's death.

"We got the family plot there and my mom and dad, well they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive." He reached his hand out to her, if he was going to do this, make things right, she had to know he was there. But he recoiled. She'd called him a robot. He'd disgusted her on top of insulting her, she wouldn't want his apologies. So he turned and started to leave. Maybe he'd try again tomorrow, when things had settled.

"You two carried me through that war…and now I need you to carry me just a little bit further…if you can."

Simon leaned back on the bulkhead, and listened to the rest of the message.

"Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them and that I'm at peace and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well – Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh, yeah, and, um, make sure my eyes is closed, will you?"

He wondered what would happen when he died. He closed his eyes, would he make it back to Osiris? Would his parents even take his body? He'd made fools of them, publicly humiliated them. Black out zones, speaking against the government, and now he'd turned not only himself, but his younger sister into fugitives.

"Simon?" he opened his eyes and turned his head. Kaylee had left the engine room, probably to return the recording to Mal or Zoë. At first there was curiosity in her voice, but when he didn't reply that something was wrong, or for what reason he was lurking there, her tone changed, she sounded more displeased. "What are ya doin' here Doctor?"

"I…I, uh…" he stood straight with his arms stiff at his sides, "I wanted to talk to you…about, about earlier." She crossed her arms and stared at him, it was all the invitation he was going to get. "Could we, maybe go…somewhere more private?"

"Why?"

"Please Kaylee." She took in a breath of consideration, he was cute when he pleaded, which wasn't often, or to anyone but herself and River. With out a word she set out back down the hall to the engine room, Simon silent behind her.

She sat down on her hammock and he closed the door behind him and stood across from her. His hands made nervous fists at his sides, and he was looking down, and more importantly, making a fool of himself by not talking.

"Look Doctor, I'm a bit tired and feel I might have me a nightmare or two about mutilated cows tonight, so if you got something to say…"

"I'm sorry." That stupid cow…he couldn't think of anything better to take her to see, he should have bought her something nice. "For earlier…I – I was trying to make a joke and--"

"Thinkin' maybe you should leave the joking to Wash, Doctor." She knew she was being harsh, but gorramit, she was gettin' fed up with his seemin' inability to say something sweet without saying something dumb right after.

"Kaylee." He looked up now and caught her eyes. What she saw there made her shift in her hammock as she now glanced down. He'd told her long ago to just call him Simon, and she only called him doctor when she was upset, and the fact that she'd called him doctor so many times in so short a span'a time, could see in his eyes it tore his heart all to bits.

"I just…wanted to apologize and tell you…what I meant to say, but was to embarrassed to say." He finished quietly and looked down again.

Kaylee stood up and moved closer to him. "Well…"

To the floor he said, "It was your eyes…they, well they're beautiful." He looked up and for a second was shocked to see she'd moved closer. He stumbled over his words as he tried to regain his composure. "I-I…um, I…" she was visibly crestfallen at his words, and oddly enough, he felt a courage to say it surge through him, perhaps from a desire to make sure she knew the truth.

"They make me feel…alive, happy. You have so much life and goodness in you Kaylee, you nothing like what I thought I'd find out here. I – you amaze me, constantly. And your eyes…" unconsciously he took a step toward her, "…they remind me of fall. So many colors, such beauty…like the person they belong to. And I don't know how you do it…stay so happy all the time, but I, I just want to keep you by me, so you can make me happy, so I can be happy with you. Together." He took her hands in his own. They were just a foot apart and eyes were glued to each other like nothing else.

"I just want…I would never intentionally hurt you Kaylee."

"Uh-huh…." Her lips didn't even move as the sound passed them, Simon smiled at her, and moved a little closer. _'Oh…oh gosh' _Kaylee thought, _'He's gonna kiss me!'_ she squealed in her head.

And as his face came, slowly closer he drew her body into his, an arm around her waste, the other reaching for her face. Their eyes drifted shut.

He was a breath away.

Such a long time she'd wanted him. And it may have started out as her just wanting him for sex, but as the time had passed her feelin's changed. She wanted him for everything…she wanted to be like Wash and Zoë one day.

She could feel the warmth of his breath, even the beat of his heart they was so close. She figured he could feel hers too, felt like it was about to 'splode right out her chest if'n he didn't kiss her soon.

It was now…she swore she felt his lips touchin' her own. She reached her hands up, wantin' to pull him down to her, and never let him go, least not til she was good an' ready.

But that kinda thing only worked for people that didn't lead her life. No sooner had she sworn to've felt him did she feel the very real, hard grating of the engine room floor. Serenity has shook a bit to hard to let two of her passengers have their moment.

Simon was back on his feet in just a moment, and helping Kaylee up.

"I should…Mal will probably be here soon, and…I don't, want him to…I'm sorry, Kaylee. Very sorry."

"s'Ok." She knew the apology was as much for earlier as it was for leaving without havin' kissed her. He smiled at her, opened the door, and backed out the room. He soot on the other side of the knee knocker for a moment and just looked at her, like he needed to memorize every inch of her. Then he smiled again and left, she watched him walk away and disappear around the corner. He had a nice backside…she could wait to see it with out clothes one day.

She sighed and left the room. Cap'n was most like to be on the bridge, best to go see what was goin' on.

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Please R and R, or I'll sic a Reaver on you! Mmmuuuuwaaahahaha….no but it would be very shiny and it only takes a few seconds, so please review.

Also, check out my profile thingy, I'm working on a Stargate Atlantis/Firefly crossover. Let me know what you think.


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